A New Year

I’ve not ever been one who picks a word for the year. Until last year. I felt pretty strongly that the Lord was giving me the word “Harvest”. I immediately thought I knew what that meant and where He would take us. It was within that word I also could hear Him say He wanted to take me somewhere new, and that I couldn’t get there from where I was.

It sprung me into a season of laying it all down and saying a lot of no. Early 2019 I stepped away from my position on staff at my church – which included my singing – because it was clear as day He was also asking me if I could worship without my voice. That wasn’t an unfamiliar question, but it was one that I had ignored for long enough. We also left our home church in February 2019 – knowing God had something different for us, for a season. We also reunited with our home church in mid/late 2019 with a whole new perspective, heart changes and roles (more so, lack of roles and resting in the season we were in) we learned we were expecting another baby in March-ish 2019… In 2019 I also discontinued my Doula work. After over 60 births in 3.5yrs, I carried out my obligations to current clients however, I didn’t take on any new clients. I also started weekly therapy in late January 2019. This was pivotal in healing a lot of baggage but mostly a lot of trauma. Starting in October of 2018 my family endured my 5th miscarriage then a string of deaths (both family and friends, young and old) all the way through early/mid 2019 as well as a handful of traumatic births I had attended. I began having severe anxiety, PTSD and fear/triggers of fire trucks and first responders and siren sounds. So, with thoughtful help, prayer, and guidance from my therapist I could finally start to see the other side of the tunnel and a glimmer of light. Hope.

This season of saying a lot of no and laying down all that had been distracting me shoved me into just mom-mode and wife-mode. I was uncomfortable at first, but digging the freedom of less obligations and more capacity to invest into my family. It was shortly before we welcomed our 3rd son that I heard the prompting to rid myself of social media. Gulp. I didn’t want to do it. It felt like that was my out. That was my escape. That was life-line to the outside world- how was I to cultivate relationships without the sacred social media? (Umm, talk about the first clue to wrong thinking!)

Well, I listened. I deleted the good old Facebook in August of 2019 and started calling and texting the people I cared about most and people I would like to have real, authentic relationship with. It was surprisingly easy, on my end. Meanwhile, handfuls of people applauded my “bravery” and I was baffled. Why?? This doesn’t have anything to do with bravery. It has everything to do with REAL , authentic relationships. I clung to IG and devoured people’s pictures and realized the unhealthy habits I had in regards to social media. I could save all that for another day. (Long story short: comparison. Fake. False happiness and most importantly time stolen from my kids, my husband and my relationships and— so on!) So, I decided once Cameron arrived I would announce his birth then peace out. And I did. And it’s amazing to me how many conversations I have with people who only know how to reference social media or talk about what they saw/heard/said on social media.

Anyway– all this being said in about a years worth of time I was completely stripped down. My title was no longer long and exaggerated, I was just a mom and just a wife. And– I love it. I now have zero space where I am comparing or doubting my abilities due to outside influence. I have no space in which I see only the best of someone else’s life and question why I got it wrong- or why my kids do _____. My list could go on and on. But I’m free. And freedom never felt so good.

So, I’m sure you’re wondering about Harvest huh? Well, the harvest was Me. The seeds that were planted, the changes that were made, the sculpting and molding of my personal life via counseling– Harvest. The strengthening and understanding of my relationship with the Lord – Harvest. The genuine love and authentic desire to hear and see and listen to the people within my circle– Harvest.The harvest was ridding me of trauma, depression, and pains so that something new could grow. The harvest was emptying my plate and saying no to a lot so that I could say YES to what mattered most. The harvest was planting me into a world with doing a heck of a lot less and learning to love a lot more…with intentionality. With authentic love and genuine interest in peoples lives. He was creating in me a new testimony. One of deep wounds and trauma healed by a God who is faithful and trustworthy. A testimony of me learning about a father who was unlike anything I could ever imagine. meant

As I pranced into 2020, feeling free!and lighter than I have in years (with lots of work still left to do) I felt… confident. The Harvest was clear to me and I am happy to still be in that season of harvest. Entering into 2020 also came with questions- my brain had been living in trauma land and “fight or flight” for so long that I have questions on how to grow and ABIDE in my new normal. I found that my capacity for things has changed so dramatically that I actually had space in my brain to just be. To think and feel new things. I have a new portion of God to discover and grow in, and it’s so unfamiliar to me to be operating in such freeness that I don’t know how to navigate it. But I am excited to learn. So, just as loudly as God had roared Harvest- He’s now whispering ABIDE.

… and I am excited.

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