Swallowed up in Mommyhood

Anyone else feeling swallowed whole by this gig called “Mom”? Just me?

Ok, good.

After my first was born I struggled finding some balance. He was not a fussy babe, he just literally didn’t sleep until he was 12m old. He would spend anywhere from 3-5 hours a night awake- just kicking it. We quickly maxed out and it took a while to find our footing and balance. It was hard, I acquired PPD/A… but slowly came back up for fresh air once we all were sleeping again. He was my “spirited babe”.

Well fast forward to present time. I’ve somehow managed to grow and make another spirited baby- buuut thankfully he sleeps-ish… I say “ish” because he mostly sleeps and I lay awake being used as a human pacifier all.night.long. Reverse the roles though. He is fussy and discontent nearly all day, all wake times. Unless he’s happy- then he is VERY happy.

All that to say, I’ve been swallowed up in this mom gig. I looked up from having my head down for so long and realized I had nearly isolated myself from friends – not on purpose, I think in my survival efforts I just naturally couldn’t keep up at the same pace. I realized I have zero hobbies, I never have time to read, do any type of bible study… heck- I was blessed with a shower last night but it got cut short due to others needing something.

Here’s what’s happening though- I am constantly wondering why I can’t get it together. Why can’t I find my balance? Force my babes into a schedule? Plan and even predict my days like I want to! But then- I said something via Marco Polo chatting to a friend and I had a brief moment of clarity before I shriveled back up.

God gave me these boys because He knows what He’s doing. He knew they needed me and I was going to be the best momma for them. I desire structure, organization, schedules, tidy house and clean floors and…. my list can go on and on. But in an effort to transform me, renew me and make me more like Him, He’s given me something opposite of what I want. Let’s be honest- this whole mom gig isn’t about ME anyway. My boys are separate and different people. If I projected on them what I wanted them to be like they wouldn’t be them.

*light bulb*

No wonder this thing is so hard… so emotionally, spiritually and physically draining.

Sacrificial Love. Giving of myself daily- wholly to two little people and somehow finding enough of me to give to my husband or anyone else I encounter. It.is.exhausting. Thankfully I have a connection to the sustainer, the healer, the giver. I have a connection to The One who knows exactly who my boys are and who they are going to be and what they need. Thus giving me exactly what I need to be their momma, his wife, her friend, that sister, etc.

Guys, I’m not/haven’t been tapping into this relationship. But here’s my dilemma: hooooow????

For those who have had spirited children who are all consuming literally night and day: how do you sneak away? When do you get time to study God’s word? How do you do all the things? Maintain the home, relationships, the kids (Ifeel like i nurse my babe like 20 million hours a day and 50 million hours a night), the never ending list of pressing and time sensitive tasks?

Someone teach me your ways! Especially if you balance a job or two mixed in there….

😂 my hubby says to give myself more grace- but grace doesn’t feed me the word. Grace doesn’t fill me with Gods presence.

Ugh. Mommyhood… the seasons will seem short and insignificant someday. But my right now is important too. And my right now needs some more Jesus time with a side of balance restored.