I used to be a fairly regular blogger. Now, my blogging only pops up on my radar every couple of weeks. Then it takes me another solid 2 weeks to write, attempt at editing, and post the actual blog. I wish I were more diligent. My attempts are getting better, and I think as we dive back into RPL and trying once again at expanding our family it deserves to be resurrected.
I find it odd, but also amusing that I’m here again – documenting to strangers, and family, our story and what it takes to grow a family. It feels… awkward. Or less necessary? But, I also know that because of the way I allowed myself to be transparent in the past – several women found hope and comfort in Jesus (and shared stories) during their own struggles with repeat pregnancy loss, infertility, or similar issues. So, out of obedience- I share. It’s uncomfortable. Still. I’ve been blogging for 3.5 years and I shutter every time I press “publish”. But this I know- God has called me and uses me as a vessel to show His great and abundant blessings and goodness.
I was recently asked by a friend how I was doing… this was in light of our most recent loss this month… I told her that I was stuffing it down. Refusing to deal with it and I vented away and complained of passing comments made by others who simply just didn’t know what they were saying. As I realized I was rambling on and on of all the ways I’ve actually processed this new phase she responds to me:
well it sounds like you are dealing with it more than you think ❤️ you are doing everything you need momma, your heart will know when it’s time to do more
It was a great reminder that while I was sitting here being all stubborn the Lord was STILL faithful in working things out in me. He was still diligently, patiently, lovingly working out all these big and heavy feelings. Feelings of inadequacy, brokenness, sorrow, GASP- Relief… yeah, I said it. Relief. Did I want to lose a baby, No!! Was this pregnancy planned and wanted- absolutely. Did I have my off-moments of doubt that I was actually really truly ready for a second child- heck yes. These were all muddy thoughts and feelings to be sorting through. But in His great love for me He had already been tending to my heart. He’d already been pruning and caring for me while I was oblivious and thinking I was being sneaky and ignoring the pain.
He’s that good.
This 4th loss has been polar opposite of my previous losses. Simultaneously better and worse. Better because I have a firm foundation of faith, better because of my past experiences. Better because I have a little tiny gift of a child running around tripping me all day. Worse…. simply because I know now exactly what I am missing out on. Before Crosby, my losses were real- but I had no reference point. I didn’t truly know from experience the love expansion after meeting your child. But now I know and I can’t unknow something as rich and satisfying as that.
I’ve been slightly impressed with the way I’ve dealt with myself. Minimal melt downs, mainly because I feel at peace. I feel constantly strengthened by strength that is not my own. I have a deep seeded peace that doesn’t allow something to shake me to the core. Did it feel like I was drowning in sorrow, oh yes. I still feel that way. But, because of His love for me, I can drown my sorrows in Him. I can’t guarantee this is how I feel at every moment (cause let’s be honest, my feelings are very unreliable). But, I know the truth.
He is faithful.
He will complete the work in me He has started.
His plan and will for my life is for my good and His glory.
All the praise and glory and honor and credit go to Him. Without His promises and faithfulness I wouldn’t have Crosby.
My hopes are that whomever is reading is encouraged. Even while knee deep in sorrow. You can have hope and be in the midst of pain/grief/sorrow.
They can co-exist.
My last, and hopefully final, beta draw is Monday. We’ll then have a lovely follow up come the 21st. Not sure what all this will entail- but just maybe we’ll get one step closer to another chapter- one that ends in another rainbow! 💜💙