It still exists

I could feel him wiggling right beside me. I opened my eyes and I saw two big blue ones peering at me and tiny little hands reaching for my face. That was a good nap, I thought to myself. Still kinda sleepy I text my husband and asked if I could sleep a little longer and he play with Crosby. Just another 1/2 hour. My eyes fell shut again and my mind started wandering back to this subject: grief. 

Colton would be just shy of 16 months.

Baby Brooks #2 would be just shy of 21 months.

My sweet Flower (#1) would be 2 next month.

These three are very rarely discussed anymore. It’s easy to forget about, if I’m honest. Crosby is quite the handful and he keeps me quite entertained, busy, and distracted. But sometimes when frustration or exhaustion kicks in I’ve been guilty of wondering if just maybe one of the others would have been “easier”. 

It’s been quite easy to push away the pain and memories of the little ones we lost before Crosby came. But every now and then I’m still blindsided by the grief. It’s not all consuming, infact I rarely cry over it anymore. It’s changed overtime, for that I’m grateful, but it still exists.

My grief still exists. It hasn’t disappeared. 

As I have the joy of my sweet Crosby, there are gaping holes of what I’ve missed out on with my other 3. I long for the day I get to meet them. 

Maybe this topic came to mind as I near Easter, and anniversaries and “should have been” birthday’s. I tend to retreat inside myself at Easter. It brings a lot of joy and pain. Maybe it’s the kick off of my annual March of Dimes, March for Babies fundraising. The walk falls on the second anniversary of learning sweetColton went to be with Jesus. Who knows. But, I know it’s important for me to address this. Just cause I have my miracle, doesn’t mean I don’t miss what’s gone.

“When you lose something you can’t find it, I know exactly where my wife {my/your baby(ies)} is” -Monty Williams

A perfect reminder, my littles aren’t lost I know  where they are. And I’m anxious to join them! 

   
 

One thought on “It still exists

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  1. Wow sweet girl your blog this time touched my heart.. the good thing is that the day will come when you will be reunited with these sweet souls. I hope you find great comfort in that..
    Love you and Mr. Crosby and that awesome husband you have.

    Liked by 1 person

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The Farmstead Alchemist

Jesus Follower | Wife | Mama Bear | Birth Junkie | Nature Seeker | Moment Treasurer | Farmer | Keepin’ It Real | #lifeunfiltered

Awaiting Autumn

A journey through infertility & into motherhood

The way I'm making sense of baby

I've never done this before...

The Secret Life of Emily Maine

a place to shout my secrets

Part Deux: Parenthood

Capturing our crazy, wild adventures with 4 boys

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Waiting for God's time and listening to God's plan in having our child after a loss

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Capturing our crazy, wild adventures with 4 boys

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Infertility, IVF, FET, Pregnancy loss, Stillbirth

Just A Little Infertile

The limbo stage between "trying is the fun part" and IVF

Adventures of a Labor Nurse

The Highs and Lows of Labor and Delivery

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LemonWater

A friendly resource for women who want to lead better lives

Okayest Mom

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