Good Byes, Moods, and Squishy

It has been a very long week. A very long, exhausting week.

I’m not really sure where to start. We entered the weekend knowing that my Husband’s Grandma was not doing well and it progressed through the weekend. We spent a lot of time visiting her and seeing more and more of the family. On Monday while I was at work I got the phone call that it was probably a good day to come say our goodbyes. I finished up what needed to be done and bounced out of the office to go be with the family. When I got there she seemed to be doing better, although she was still in much pain and not really aware. I was and am so thankful for that time we got with her.

It was a beautiful moment to watch a good portion of her grandkids (whom she loved with every single ounce of her being) sit with her and tell stories. Although Grandma wasn’t able to communicate with us, a few of her grunts were very obvious efforts at laughter. It was the most touching moment I have ever witnessed. I am so proud of my husband, his family, and his cousins. They are quite the spectacular bunch.

Come Tuesday Grandma was still fighting, but she finally went home to be with Jesus that afternoon. I am deeply saddened at losing a loved one and watching the family endure the pain of missing and losing a loved one, but I am also so incredibly thankful for her total and complete healing in heaven. No more pain, no more suffering. She’s free from sickness and free from this burdened world. I couldn’t be happier for her. She was a wonderful woman and her legacy will be carried for far more generations than I can count. She raised her kids right and loved her family well. I will always be the first to admit that even the comfort of knowing where she is doesn’t always make the sadness any easier. So I am constantly thinking and praying for the family.

I’ve been swamped at work (or so it feels), tired as can be, sicker than a dog, and trying my very best to keep up with blogs, the home, dinner, work, appointments, chores, errands, family get-together’s. So, that’s my excuse this week for being a tardy blogger. I’ve even contemplated stepping away from blogging/reading blogs just for a short time so that I can refocus and re-prioritize.

I’ve been going to the chiropractor twice a week for the last few weeks, we’ve discovered that most of my back pain I was experiencing was due to my actual pelvis being trapped/stuck together and unable to widen like it normally would during pregnancy. So we’ve been working on getting that freed up, only to find that my tailbone is actually twisted. So I’m thankful that I wasn’t just being a weenie when I was finding that my back was hurting more than what seemed like a normal annoying pregnancy thing.

The Hubs and I have been thoroughly enjoying our home Doppler. It’s been sooo good to us. Whoever tried to tell me that it would likely cause more stress than it’s worth was wrong. It’s been amazing. Especially since I took a nice spill down some stairs this week. I knew deep down everything was fine, but of course the tiny little voice of doubt crept in. It wasn’t like I went head first and tumbled. I fell backwards and my elbow took the majority of the beating, but I did land once on my shoulder then twice on my lower back. I thought for sure, at first, I broke my elbow since I hit it on tile flooring and heard a nasty crunch (it was just the metal piece that covered the transition between carpet and tile). But, all is well – I’m just a tad sore with a  few bruises. The next morning for reassurance I pulled out my Doppler and sure enough, whoosh, whoosh whooshing away was little Squishy.

Speaking of little Squishy, I had my OB appointment, and let me tell you – it was a waste of time and money.

She used the Doppler, claimed to have heard the heart beat (which I didn’t even hear), asked how I was feeling, answered a couple of questions and sent me on my way. I had brought my husband along because last time I was in they said I would be getting an ultrasound… Well apparently not. I was not very happy about this. One – I wouldn’t have brought my husband along to talk about my bathroom habits and the nausea he is all too familiar with, two – she somehow acknowledged my anxieties but didn’t care that these things are a little stressful for me. Her compromise at first was to wait until I was 21 weeks to do the anatomy scan and since I was not too thrilled about waiting another 8 weeks to see what’s going on in there she said “Well, since you are a fertility treatment pregnancy we’ll do an extra scan at your next appointment”. So, basically 4 more weeks of waiting. Ok, ok, fine. Whatever…..  “Welcome to a normal pregnancy”. From where I stand, nothing will ever be normal. Never once have I sat in that OB waiting area and thought to myself that I am just another pregnant person. More often than not I don’t feel like I belong there.. Like I am some fake, or phony…. Doppler’s in a doctor’s office are still not my favorite (actually, seeing her Doppler today almost prompted me to run outta that room, scares me to death), ultrasounds, although they bring me MUCH relief, are not my favorite… Walking into that office takes every ounce of courage to forget the other hundreds of memories I have from those waiting rooms.

I am incredibly thankful that this is a seemingly normal and healthy pregnancy, but I refuse to completely forget the past I’ve experienced and I think it’s unreasonable to have anyone expect me to feel “safe” and “ok”. EVEN IF I have passed the major mile stones. I’m still learning to trust that my body isn’t going to kill my baby. Morbid, maybe. Realistic, yes.

Anyway, I’m off on a tangent….. Long story short, I had some unmet expectations today and it was a hard situation to deal with. I feel like my appointment could have been done over the phone and I wouldn’t have had to miss an hour and half (of mostly waiting mind you….) of work.

To add to the fiery tude I have today I will note: I have seen a major change in my mood the last few weeks. I believe I can blame some of this on the lovely hormones. I mean, hey! My Pregnancy App warned me that mood swings can be common. Apparently I thought I would be immune to that and not experience them. Haha, if only I were so lucky…. Let’s just say my tolerance level has decreased and my sensitivity increased, thus creating this little Mexican girl to go from 0-60 in no time flat. I don’t like it, I’m very aware of it, I’m doing my best to control it and learn my way through it. But, I’ve required a little more grace than usual… Just remember this next time I throw an eye roll your way 😉