Repeat pregnancy loss is a thief. It steals. And it takes and takes and never, ever gives.
Repeat pregnancy loss takes the naïve joy out of a current pregnancy. Yup. That’s right.
This picture, is really only assuming all goes well.
I haven’t said anything on here for many reasons.
- This blog is public, which means the moment I push publish ALL our friends and family will know. And that’s ok, I think it should be celebrated. I understand why some don’t say anything until you hit that 12 week mark. I desperately want my little ones to be celebrated (especially when I am not doing that very well, myself). Even if it happens to be brief. It would be no secret if we lost again, and it would eventually be known if we don’t. I don’t really ever see the purpose behind waiting.
- We wanted to tell our immediate family before the rest of the world.
- I wanted to confirm it was intrauterine. HA, most people don’t have to wonder if the egg implanted anywhere else. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even cross many minds, unless you have a history of ectopic and/or a crappy tube.
- I’ve been trying to hold myself together in one piece.
I’d be lying if I said this has been joyful or fun. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled and over the moon happy that I get the honor of experiencing this again. It really, truly is an honor, but it also comes with fear. I am scared, all the time. My final mile stone of fear is still several weeks away. My last loss in April 2014 was in between 11 and 12 weeks. We had a heart beat and it was solid. Each time I step foot into an ultrasound room I get hot and sweaty and I start to panic. I have far too many bad memories in those rooms and it’s like my PTSD and flash backs come roaring in.
It takes every ounce within me to not RUN, and RUN FAR.
My poor RE, he mentioned how every time he sees me I look scared to death. In all honesty, I am scared to death. ALL the time. He kind of made light of it at my first ultrasound. He laughed a little when he saw the fear on my face of a potentially empty uterus and full fallopian tube. These aren’t irrational fears, people. These are things I’ve lived through and things that are very much so a possibility. I was relieved to see my tubes were empty and my uterus was not. I finally felt like I could breathe again, at least a little.
There is just one in there. At 5 weeks 2 days we saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac measuring a day ahead at 5w3d. Apparently that’s pretty normal to only see those two things that early. I go back the week of Christmas to confirm a heart beat. My stupid brain says this: it could possibly be the best Christmas ever or the worst Christmas ever.
My heart is so desperately depending on the Lord to carry me through this. I should be ecstatic. I should be giddy. I should be celebrating.
Instead I find myself thanking Him for the most odd things. The little cramps that remind me that Little one is snuggling in nice and tight, the gag-full days where I seriously just want to puke all.day.long. Thankful for the exhaustion that sets in usually just an hour or two from getting out of bed. In fact, I find that I am so thankful for these little moments that when they disappear I start to freak out. Some try to tell me to enjoy the “break”. I really should, but I can’t. See, RPL has stripped me of the innocence of being pregnant. And, let’s be honest, I’ve done this before. I’ve had the symptoms, the great ultrasounds, I’ve done the first trimester several times now. Because I have done all this before it’s making it that much more stressful. I am just that much more aware of what my body is doing and the pinches and the cramps and the symptom spotting and the lack of symptoms. I’ve done this.
And, honestly (hate me if you must) right now, I don’t like any of it.
I’m trying though. I’m really, really trying. If you were to share a bed with me you’d see that every morning and every night the first and last things I do is I find my tummy and put my hand over it and say Hi to the little person who’s taken up residence there. If you were a fly on the wall you’d see that I have not just one, but 3 silly pregnancy apps on my phone reminding me of all the new developments. If you could be in my brain, I’m proud that such a tiny little person is making such HUGE accomplishments. It’s hard work to form your spine, little noses, and tiny little leg and arm buds. If you could be in my brain you would hear the constant prayer : HELP, numerous times a day. Pleading that I can actually MEET this one in person and not have to wait for eternity. If you could read my journal you’d see a lot of tears and hope that this one, is THE one.
So this week, I have a blueberry sized little person making this momma crazy.
I feel like an imposter, or a phony. I don’t fit here. But, I’m doing the best with what I have, where I am.
So here’s the nitty-gritty for those who like the stats:
Beta #1 @ 11dpo – 49.3
Beta #2 @ 14dpo – 334
Beta #3 @ 17dpo – 1275, Progesterone 115, TSH 0.99
Beta #4 @ 20dpo – 4373
On and off (but mostly ON) nausea, I’ve lost 4 pounds, sore chest, constant UTI (ugh, go away), exhaustion, cramps, no real cravings and no real aversions, on and off headaches, bloated, fatigue.
I am on 200mg of sublingual progesterone (100mg in the AM and 100mg in the PM) and we ditched the baby aspirin about 2 months ago and I see no need for it right now. Because of the MTHFR I am taking bio-active forms of both methyl-folate, b6, and b12 vitamins accompanied by a vegan DHA and of course, the ever so GIANT prenatal.
I will be seen every two weeks by our RE until 10 weeks, however my intake appointment with my OBGYN is at 9w2d. So I will be seen by both through January. I thought I would be satisfied with every 2 weeks but it seems like an eternity. I don’t know how people ever go 4 weeks in between appointments. Perhaps maybe in the coming weeks I should invest in a home Doppler thingy to hear the heart beat any time I need/want.
I’ve realized now more than ever that I need Jesus as my sole sustainer. I’ve realized now more than ever how desperately I need His presence in my life. I’m not sure any of this would be manageable without Him. I have little note cards at my desk at work, I may seem like the “crazy Christian lady” with bible verses scattered at my desk. But, I do it cause it keeps me half way sane. I think?
The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.
REMINDER: I trust you Jesus, You are my hope. How much of His grace am I willing to receive today?
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will NOT be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord who has compassion on you.
Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span.
Because this is His written word, I know that He will be faithful and fulfill what He has promised. I know that I can stand confidently that He has heard my prayers and my requests. My words aren’t falling on deaf ears. His plan may look differently than mine and I know that my refinement is up to him, I’m willing to do what it takes to be more like Him. I’m also begging to spare me from the heartache and pain that comes with loss. The outcome is His. This little one doesn’t belong to me anyway, He or she belongs to Him first, my body just happens to be the vessel to get him/her here.
OK, I could probably type for hours about all this. So I’ll stop here. The gist: I’m scared. This is crazy. I can’t believe I am doing this again. Holy crap.
One breath at a time.
I can do this.