Baby B #2,
It’s been one full year since I said good bye, far too soon. I often feel guilty because I don’t think about you nearly as much as the others. It all happened really fast, and I was wrapped up in so much anger that I just couldn’t allow myself to go there. However, that has NO impact on the amount of love I have for you or the amount of joy it brings me to know that you are so well cared for up there.
You’ve always remained nameless, and that’s ok. I know that you are called by name by our maker and that is sufficient for me. I don’t know if you’re a he or a she, but either way, I have never been more certain that you have been made whole and perfect. We miss you. We love you.
Your day caught me off guard, I had been so wrapped up in family visiting, and work being busy, and life moving so quickly, that I woke up today, the day before your day, stunned that I didn’t do a better job at preparing myself. It’s like I woke up and realized that I was missing someone and I was thankful I remembered before it was too late. I’d like to classify this as the typical middle child syndrome. But, I promise you, my love, that you are not forgotten. Ever.
Tomorrow we will honor your short little life just like we did your sissy and just like we will for your Brother, Colton. Pass out lots of hugs for us.
All our love, little one,
M + C
Tomorrow Connor and I will be writing, once again, notes on balloons and driving somewhere to a top of a mountain or hill to let them go. If you feel so moved to join us in celebrating, just like we did with our Little Flower, send off your own balloon in memory of our little one, send us pics. It may seem silly to some, but what the heck, I’ll do anything silly or not silly to celebrate the little ones that were mine, even if for a short moment in time.
I was super lucky to be able to go spend a night of worship with my favorite leader this past weekend, Kari Jobe. It was amazing. Not only did I have amazing seats but God showed up. During this amazing worship night, singing my guts out with her, she sang a super popular song, You Make Me Brave. During this time I was considering my own life and what He’s accomplished in me and how He has strengthened me to keep enduring when, quite honestly, I wanted to walk away so many times. I was so overwhelmed that He’s been faithful through it all.
You make me brave turned into: You MADE me Brave. I get tears in my eyes knowing that He’s made me brave enough to be bold in my faith, to be radical in believing for healing and be unashamed to live out the messy, the ugly, and the amazing. He has made me Brave enough to keep walking out on the water when the waves are far greater than I can manage alone. I no longer have the desire to think that he’s going to make me into something. Instead I want to trust and fully believe that He has already accomplished it. That, to me, is SO freeing. Knowing that even when I don’t “feel” brave, I AM BRAVE. I AM WHOLE. I AM HEALED. I AM HIS.
I’m not gonna lie, I hate that I have anniversaries of losses and 3 due dates that I’ll never forget. BUT, I can’t say that they have had a negative impact on me. The amount of strength and courage …. and faith and hope and joy and so forth…. that it has brought into my relationship with the Lord is worth EVERY.SINGLE.TEAR. EVERY.SINGLE.ACHE… Worth it! I’d rather not do it again, but if I have to, I know that He has purposed my pain and grief to further His kingdom and give Glory to His Name.
Today, I choose to celebrate, regardless if my heart feels like it’s fell out of my chest and exposed on the floor for all to see. He’s done a good work, and that’s worth the display.