I have always known that a not-so-great friend resides in me on occasion.
This not-so-great friend has a name.
I was so excited to sit down with Dr. M today and hash out a few reason as to why I am unable to keep a bun in this oven. I was practically bouncing in that office hopeful, joyful, and almost giddy that there may be an answer to some of my questions, just behind that door. After discussing a few details about how and where my body has defaulted to, since July, Dr. M determined that oddly enough, ovulation may not even be occurring in this body of mine. And, for the icing on the cake he mentioned that my estrogen as well as progesterone are not sufficient enough to support ovulation, implantation, or enough to support a viable pregnancy.
Que tears here.
Today is one of those days where, not only do I feel like an utter failure. I am even failing to be able to see Jesus in this. Where are my promises? Where are my hopes? I have a million questions still and not a single answer. I have already carried the burden that this broken body of mine was already not in tip top shape, but it was even more so confirmed that it doesn’t function how I had planned or expected…Such is life… Right?
I already know the truths full well in my head, today it’s a matter of actually believing it to be true.
It’s no surprise to me that as I’m typing these are the only words I can whisper. Praying constantly today that this be enough. Lord let it be enough.
Well, on top of this less than fabulous news, Dr. M kindly informed me that it seems as though my stress levels, and that not-so-great friend Anxiety has been hanging around FAR too long. He could just see it in my posture. Especially when it came time to talk about the past 5 months. I knew this
dear friend had been hanging around, I just didn’t realize how much of a power he held over me.
So I am feeling like I am back at square one, and trying to figure out how to de-stress, and lessen my anxiety…. How do you tell your brain to stop thinking about what has been lost? How do you move forward…. I truly thought I have been making progress, that my healing was just starting. In my situation, how do you rid yourself of fear. After my Ectopic Dr. S clearly stated “WHEN you happen to have another, we will then remove your right tube”. Which by the way, is severely damaged and practically non-functional, and puts me at an even more increased risk of it happening again.
I feel like throwing my fists in the air screaming: NOW WHAT DO I DO, How are YOU going to help me here? Where the *bleep* are you Lord?
All this to say, I feel like falling apart and curling up in a cave. But, I know better than that. I know better than to let the enemy win. So, as a sweet blogger friend (waitingforbabybird.com) put it – I quit. I surrender, again. I quit so that He can work, and do the fighting for me. I am simply too emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.