If loss were easy we wouldn’t ever feel compelled to write about it.
If loss were easy our relationships wouldn’t take a hit.
If loss were easy we could easily speak the words to claim our story.
But in all reality, loss isn’t easy. It’s debilitating in some cases. It’s traumatic, and on occasion we find that all of a sudden we grow these shells around our lives. We grow this leather barrier around our hearts that are tethered and we realize we’re grasping to keep it closed. We tend to shut down for a period, and shut out the important people in our lives. We close our doors to keep Him out.
This is what I’m guilty of. Oh, Lord soften my calloused heart. Turn to me and hear my cry. Set my feet upon a solid rock.
Have you ever felt this has been your prayer, minute by minute…. Hour by hour… Day by day? Have you ever bargained with God? Made promises you weren’t sure you could deliver?
I have. I’m the queen of isolation. The queen of barriers, and walls.
I will bless The Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes it’s boasts in The Lord; let the afflicted hear and be glad!
Oh magnify The Lord with me
and let us exalt his name together.
Oh! Hello walls and and barriers…. I seem to have smashed into you trying to find my way out.
I will bless The Lord at all times.
I forgot to do this part… No, no, I didn’t forget. I didn’t want to. I was certain that I didn’t need to. I was certain that if I bless The Lord at ALL times, my head would explode of hypocrisy.
His praise shall continually be in my mouth; My soul makes it’s boasts in The Lord.
I so desperately wanted to praise, and I know full well my heart was so desperate to worship He heard my plea to take what I could give. My praise was not continual, perhaps not even quality to any degree, however, I know that every moment I laid each fear and frustration and woeful tear and threat of isolation was an act of surrender to Him. It was me claiming and pleading,
“hey, I can’t do this on my own…. Work with me here…”
I’m so thankful he knows my inmost being and I need not ever explain myself. He loves me even when I don’t understand.
let the afflicted hear and be glad!
As much as I have been throwing my hands up in the air, thinking I may never hear from my God again, or be moved to the core from His word, I was struck with awe that I was still “glad” in the midst of my pain. I was still “glad” that His word is living and real. That is truth. I can rest assured that no matter what I’m facing His word is alive and true. I shall be glad. I will be glad. I am glad. I may not be a ray of sunshine yet, but I am overwhelmed with his promise of joy if I allow complete surrender.
Oh magnify The Lord with me and let us exalt his name together.
This is proof that we are not meant to be alone. That we are not meant to face life alone. This was His reminder to me that isolation isn’t the answer. This was His reminder that I cannot cut off communication with my husband. I simply cannot force myself silent or shut down. Together we will fight, together we will worship!
For several weeks I am guilty of all this. Stomping my feet around spiritually. Sifting through the chaos and surrendering my fleshy emotions daily. Don’t get me wrong it has NOT been all doom and gloom. There have been moments of clarity, bliss and contentment. But it came with a price. I’ve been fighting my spiritual war and my Savior already won. He purchased me and I can rest knowing this battle is worth it.
I had a major gut check after some conversations with my man. Here I was, all pumped up exclaiming to the world to own up! Claim your victories and claim your circumstances. Give the glory to God! And, believe me, I believe this whole heartedly! To my core. However, I wasn’t practicing what I preached. Maybe to an extent I was. But when it comes to surrender, God was asking for all of me. Not just the pieces I’m willing to hand over. I had no intentions of ever handing some of my garbage over. But, what kind of lover of Jesus would I be if I didn’t? It ruins my whole testimony. It’s making a statement that perhaps I am greater than thee. Yikes. Lord forgive me…
I’m giving Him all my garbage, and I’m gonna walk the walk and talk the talk.
Yes, I’ve lost two (7/24/13 & 9/24/13) precious babies. This is just the beginning of our baby making story, and I’m here to glorify God, in whatever means that might be. Losing babies, or making babies. I’m not here to beg Him to full fill my plans. I simply cannot be that selfish when He gave everything, for ME.
Yes, I believe He has great plans for me and my husband. I whole heartedly believe that He is sovereign and He is good regardless of our circumstances, and I know full well our marriage is His and His alone, and His plans for us are good.
Yes, I believe whole heartedly there is purpose to the pain. Sanctification. Sufficiency. Restoration. Redemption.
Yes, I will rely on Him to stand firm in what I know and what I believe.
Yes, I will choose Jesus daily.
Yes, I will continue to surrender it all. Second by second, if need be.
Because with out these truths, I would certainly flounder.
Jesus paid it all, ALL to him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
ALL to Him I owe. ALL to Him I owe.